A Redneck Strikes Back,

-or-

How They Handle Thugs In Georgia ...

An Actual Craig's List Personals Ad

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants . I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!


Yeah Baby Redneck Justice

Grrrr
Ahh Vancouver, we miss you. Well maybe not the howling wind mixed with the crazy cold rain, but everything and everyone else definately. We just wanted to say thanks again to everyone we love for making yourselves available to be with us on our short trip back. Obviously it wasn't long enough. Everyone looks great especially our parents in waiting, congrats again to the four of you. Better you than us, ha ha. It will be awesome when we come back next time to meet the new additions to the gang.

Michelle, thanks for making the trip out to San Fran to see Barbara. I know it made her time there that much more enjoyable and easier being with a great friend. You look amazing, as always, by the way.

Doryan, keep up the good work in school, you're doing great buddy, and get your dad to take you to a Giants game, they need all the Puckheads in the stands they can get. We love ya kid. May the force be with you young Padawan.

Mom keep wearing the jade and slaying them at the tables. It was a great time playing poker with you and I look forward to our next adventure in gaming at the Cashiro. Hopefully we won't go broke withing the first 5 minutes. Wink wink nudge nudge.


Here we are at the airport, obviously excited about the long flight ahead of us.
At least Barbara has her coping mechanism down to a fine art.
The infamous Yoda fountain standing guard
Michelle looking lovely
And Mike talking, may we say a little BS. With a grin like that he can't be telling the truth
This is Matt listening to Mike
This is Matt when asked what Mike just said, "Oh was he saying something"

The proud parents to be, enjoying some of the last days and evenings before the new addition arrives.
The proud parents to be practicing their "you are in so much trouble looks"
Remember your kids could turn out to be trouble like these two.
Here's Doryan hanging with the guys. Regailing them with some sort of tale
And here is Doryan flirting with Paula
And with is BaBa. This kid really gets around.
With his Ma
And enjoying a little hockey. Puckhead support goes a long way
A little play by play as drawn by Doryan. You'll notice that I have the puck and Barbara is trying to hook me or slash me, that's Darth Barbara for you!
We miss you too buddy.

That goes for everyone and we will see you all again soon.

Next stop Vietnam.

Bye for now.

Yes this is what an okie breakfast looks like. At first it's a little harsh but you get used to it after a few days. People think we eat biscuits and gravy maybe some grits in the morning. Poor poor naive people, it's all about the brown booze in the morning, and we all know how good that is for Brett. Repeat after me now, brown booze bad for Brett. Okay I'm starting to get a little woozy now.

So there are a few things that I learned in Oklahoma, or maybe they are just things that I had forgotten, for better or worse.

1: Apparently to roll up a garden hose it requires 3 fully grown men; 1 to stretch the hose out, I guess to keep it straight? Another to form the loop in the hose and place it on the ground and a third to stand on the hose while it is on the ground. I saw this taking place in my fathers neighborhood and I made him go around the block to make sure I saw what I thought I saw and no my eyes hadn't deceived me. For all I know there was a fourth person to actually carry the hose once it was rolled up. Maybe they belonged to the hose rolling union or something.

2: Unbeknownst to me it is apparently standard issue for a bartender to carry a knife clipped to his belt at all times. I saw this on more than one occasion. Maybe it was the bars I was hanging out in but it seemed to be a recurring theme.

3. When entering an eating or drinking establishment you must either leave your loaded weapon, ie gun, in your vehicle or unload the weapon to bring it inside. I guess you have to unload it so the knife the bartender is carrying is still effective.

4. Okies do not like durian. Yes I did take some durian cake back with me and no my father did not like it, but it sure was funny watching hi try it.

5. The best fried catfish and BBQ comes from the dumpiest looking places. Damn good eats. Enough said.

6. When an obnoxious woman sits down at a poker table and immediately starts talking shit to everyone around the poker table she is ready to make a large deposit into your chip account. I was not the lucky recipient of this donation but my Mom was and it was sizable. The obnoxious one left immediately after. She was at the table for one hand. Nicely done Mom. PS I can never seem to beat her at the poker table.



This is my dad. I think those might be asbestos sweat pants that he is wearing up to his neck. He was kind enough to remind me of the tradition of using a whole bottle of lighter fluid when starting a charcoal BBQ. He' s just getting the fire started. You can see the flame starting to crawl up to the bottle he is holding by his side. The sweats are his protection against flare up.


Alright now we are on to the serious business of grilling some flesh. Apparently the asbestos sweats are no longer needed. He tells me that if you grill in your undies that the meat tasted better. I don't know, maybe it's a tradition that I have failed to notice or maybe he's just weird, but I do know that the steak was damn fine eatin'.
And eating it was no small feat. The thing was huge. Having been in Singapore for three months and deprived of good red meat this was a real treat.

A little red wine with a Canadian twist
And I ate the whole thing with a salad and a potato. And I practically drank the whole bottle of wine in the process. They had to roll me to the couch afterwards where I stayed for about three hours. I didn't want to take any chances on my heart stopping or my lungs collapsing. They just propped me up at a 45 degree angle and left me there.

Ahh yess another tradition (?) I had forgotten about. The putting up the Christmas tree in October tradition??? Even Kyra (the dog) looks confused about this one. I think the steak the night before was a plan to make sure I had plenty of strength to get this behemoth out of the attic. Oh yeah there is a second one in the living room.
I guess it was a good thing. He's only had that tree for a decade and he still couldn't figure out how to put it together. He cracks me up. Is this the top or the bottom?
An hour later and even the dog is exhausted. Laurence Fishburn seems a little confused about the tree as well.. One thing about my dad, he sure does like Christmas.
This is Jeff. I went to school with this criminal. I try to hook up with him whenever I go to OKC. He's a pretty cool cat. We are on our way out to go fishing. Doesn't he look excited.
After a pit stop to pick up beer and a hour long drive out to the middle of no where we end up on this dirt road. I have no clue where we are going but I've been laughing so hard at his stories, or lies as I like to call them, that I really don't care where we end up.
This is the tractor on the piece of property at the end of the dirt road we were on.
This is the trailer on the piece of property that the tractor is on at the end of the dirt road. I sure hope that Jeff knows the guy who owns this property because
This is Jeff breaking into the barn on the the piece of property at the end of the dirt road where the tractor and the trailer are. Whatever we are going fishing.
Wait a second, now this is Jeff stealing the 4 wheeler from the barn where the, oh never mind you know the story
The good thing is we have a gun and a hunting knife to go fishing with, and scare of any owners that might come try to kick us off the property, which of course is at the end of the dirt road etc..
And we are off. Notice the cooler of beer doesn't shut, but I don't see any fishing poles.
This is me bundled up in the back of the trailer. Got my camo on so the fishes won't see me coming.
Now this is a guy ready to fish. Beer in one hand killin tool in the other.
Yeah I'm back baby, I am back
The huntin grounds. This friggin rocks. I haven't gone fishing like this in 15 years. A small little boat and a pond. This is a slice of heaven for me.
And MONSTER fish. Look at the size of that thing. It took everything I had to land this one.
And another. Heaven I tell you heaven.
Sure his is a little bigger but size doesn't matter out here it's the quantity and I was slaying them.
Ok Now the fishin' is done and the fun begins. What more can a boy from Oklahoma ask for a gun in one hand and a beer in the other.
Yeee Hawww. Shortly after squeezing off a few rounds we were greeted by the owner of this property at the end of the road etc etc
Meet Rob. Another friend from school. This is his land and I am eternally grateful for the day I had out there. I can't wait to return and see the house he is building on this little oasis in the middle of nowhere. Thanks Rob and Jeff. Good times.
And now the poker queen herself my wonderful mom and my wee little cousin Kylan. We start them driving early in these parts. If I'm not mistaken all of my cousins and myself took our first driving lessons on this tractor when were about his age. This is the morning after she took the money off the obnoxious woman at the casino. It was a very good night for both of us that evening which is probably why she is in such a good mood considering we didn't get home until around 4.30 in the morning.
Kyan in his little monkey outfit. He's got it down, even draggin his knuckles like a gorilla. Pretty cute. I guess I should mention that it is Halloween morning and he wanted to show off his costume for his grandma and Aunt Beverly.
And now he wants a treat. He's got this down.
Ty Gilmore, my best friend from school and all days after. I'm not going to put too many pics in of this evening, let me just say we had a great time. This is another guy who keeps me in stitches whenever we get together. And we always make it home alive. That's saying something.
My wonderful Grandma, Maw Maw. I love her to death but she was getting a little lazy so I put her to work in the kitchen. I needed a good home cooked meal and boy did she deliver.
Pan fried pork chops. AAAHHHH fried pork
Now its time to dig in. I sooo look forward to these meals whenever I go home. I think she likes it too. She piled it on and put it all away this evening. She's great.
UUMMM UUMMMM. Pork, Potatos, Peas and White Gravy. If I had to request a last meal this could be it, but it has to be made by either my mom or Maw Maw. It is sooo goooood
And the dogs wait patiently for the scraps. Sorry guys we ate it all.

So I made it through my trip home relatively unscathed. Good friends and good times with family. And I even brought something back with me, about 10 pounds extra around the waist.
Oh and the best part is my honey still loves me.

Bye for now